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A note from an employer
I am writing this to you on behalf of myself and all the other employers in Santa Barbara.

I just want to clarify some things.

First of all, when you are late to work, please desist from acting offended when I write you up, fire you, or otherwise punish you. The schedule we run is not posted as a "good suggestion" but an actual timetable (and legal document) that you are required to work.

I would normally have no problem with you not making it in on time, but our customers and clients always seem to arrive on time.

Also, I would like you to explain to me, why its impossible for you to show up on time for work, but you all sit around my office waiting twenty minutes early on pay day. Where are your "sick children" "family emergencies" "car problems" and "bad traffic on the 101" on pay day? I find this highly irregular seeing as I'm not as dumb as you think I am.

Second, please stop feeling that I owe you favors. Especially since you are always late. I pay you money. The favor ends there. Should I, out of the kindness of my heart, feel it necessary to give you some other compensation for your work, I will decide. Other than that, I gave you a job and let you keep it this long, and so my favors due to you are paid in full.

Third. As much as you would like to believe it, I am not honored by your presence. The mentality of "well I'm here aren't I?" has got to end. Honestly if you aren't going to do the work I pay you to do, you being here is more annoying than anything. However, when I suspend you or fire you, please refrain from acting surprised and hurt. Honestly, I could hire a state street hobo to stand around my place of work if I wanted to pay someone for doing nothing.

Fourth, after arriving to work tardy (or even on time) I find it silly that you complain about being hungry and need a break. Common sense seems to tells me that you should have taken care of this before work. This also applies to personal hygiene. You should have thought about that before arriving to work.

Fifth, stop with your delusion that someday you are going to be my boss when you are mad at me. Also, while I believe your college is important I highly doubt that you will be in a superior position to me one day. I am the boss, after all. Your antics will not make you promotable, and I already make more money than you and due to the economy being the way it is, I will probably continue to make more money than you. Should you get to the point you make more money than me, it will be in an industry I'm not involved in, and I won't care about you anymore. But here, I am still the boss. I hope one day you are the boss and have employees just like you, so you can see the wisdom of my way of doing things.

Sixth, leave your cellphone alone. If you are truly that popular, they will leave voicemail and wait in anticipation for their phone to ring. However I really doubt that you are that popular. This also applies to you that screw around on your computers at work reading craigslist or myspace. The internet will be at home waiting for you.

Seventh, Since I am a man, the ladies that I hire need to stop acting cute and flirty when you are in trouble. I don't really care, since sleeping with you would probably mean the end of my job. If I actually wanted to have sex with you, I would fire you and then sleep with you. But we both know that neither of us is going to do the dirty deed under any circumstance, so drop it. Also, men and women should know that acting overly friendly or accomodating only when you need something or you are in trouble doesn't work to well. I'm on to you. Honestly if I was that hard up for friends, I probably wouldn't be the boss.

Eighth. When you get in trouble, written up, or fired, don't threaten me. As an employer, I already came to peace with the fact that when I die at the hands of a violent murderer, my last words will probably be "Hey, didn't you used to work for me?" So your threats will only land you in deeper trouble.

Ninth. Don't get mad when I promote the hard working person that shows up to work on time, doesn't get in trouble, and does his or her job. If I wanted a head slacker, I would promote you. Seniority has nothing to do with it. So quit your sniveling. Also, when you don't get promoted, its probably not the best time slack even worse to punish me. That would seem to put you in my crosshairs, don't you think?

Tenth, just because somebody else doesn't always do their work, doesn't give you an excuse not to do yours. So quit throwing that in my face. I hired you to do your job. Not supervise everyone else. I will deal with the appropriately the offending employee. However, whatever your reasons for not doing your job, I will also deal with you appropriately.

Finally, I know that in this town, your parents were probably rich or hippies, so your work ethic wasn't bored into you at home. However, I think you should be smart enough to realize as you go from each dissatisfying job to the next and the expectations are always the same, that the only consistent feature in each of your dissatisfying jobs is you. It won't break my heart to send you off to the next dissatisfying job. Yes, its irritating to find and train someone else to do your job, but just because you are important doesn't mean you aren't replaceable.

My suggestion is to do everything the right way, at the right time, with the right attitude, and this will all be much easier to both you and me.

I know that there are some bosses out there that are easier, or not as ethical as I am, but you don't have the pleasure for working for them. So your screwed unless you decide to quit.
This is after all work, and not "happy la la screw around time"

I look forward to a happy and mutually beneficial work experience with you.


The boss
"Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son" ~ Dean Wormer.

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